I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
