I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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