do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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