and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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