cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
