I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
