i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Someone signed my nipple.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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