it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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