Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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