The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
