Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
