Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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