So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
