It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
