I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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