Jerry, you need to find god
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
