You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
