I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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