i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
