with your own penis?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
