My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
