I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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