I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Randomize
