Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
