I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
