Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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