I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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