I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
