Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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