There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i think my cat just said my name.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
