made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
