Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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