do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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