thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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