Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
