He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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