I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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