I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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