Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
