The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
