I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
