I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
