The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
