Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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