why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
