Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
