this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
