you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
