So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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