Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
